Sunday, October 13, 2013

Being A Newbie Again

Do you know that feeling when you are completely green at something and nothing is second nature, so you have to think about every step in a process?

This summer,  I realized that I was a newbie again.  I have not been a newbie at anything for quite some time.  The weight of this realization did not dawn on me right away.  My epiphany occurred when I started reading about infant sleep.  I wanted to know if I was doing the right thing for my baby.  Was I putting her to bed at the right time?  Was she getting enough sleep?  How was I supposed to survive nighttime nursing when my baby was hungry every two hours and took forty minutes to eat?

Naturally, I turned to the internet and started reading everything that I could find about infant sleep.   It was so completely overwhelming.  The conflicting advise.  The heated debates.  Experience and tradition verses science-based and natural parenting.

Wait a minute.  Full stop.

There is natural parenting?  Where have I heard this before.  And then I realized it.  I am the new horse owner navigating a conflicting set of care and training philosophies.  Do I put my faith in the experts?  Which experts do I listen to?  How can I tell who is genuine and who is just looking to make a buck?  I had a new appreciation for what newbies in the horse world must feel: vulnerability, anxiety, and even fear of doing wrong by one's horse (baby, in this case).

This was not a parallel between baby care and horse ownership that I had anticipated.  What did I do to escape the sea of conflicting advice and infant-raising practices?  I asked myself, "what would I do in this situation with Harley?"

And then I knew the answer.

I listened to my baby.  I borrowed aspects of philosophies that worked for us.   I also stuck with information that was backed by science over tradition or societal convention.  Even though I love evidence-based information, my gut was still a part of the decision-making process.  I only practiced infant-raising practices that felt right to me.

I discovered that I am mostly what I am calling a "natural" parent.  I breastfeed, I hold my baby a lot, she is cared for by her parents and family when we are away, and her crib gathers dust (i.e. We bed-share.).  My baby has a routine (rather than a schedule) that is based on her cues to eat and sleep, although some clock-watching is involved so that she is ready to nurse when I come home.  And to date, I have only been separated from her for a maximum stretch of four hours (half my work day).  My husband and I work full-time, but my husband has changed his schedule to reduce the number of hours that we are both away from baby.  My Mom takes care of Sweet Pea while we are at work; we are very, very fortunate.  We combine baby-wearing with strollers for long walks.  I am dedicated to nursing, even though this is very difficult while working full-time, and bed-sharing makes nighttime nursing about a thousand times more manageable than getting up and sitting in a rocking chair for an hour three times a night.  I actually feel rested in the morning and I love the closeness that I have with my little one during the night and right into the morning.  I feel that the biological and emotional needs of my baby and myself are being met as we traverse this very new life as Mommy and baby.  Somehow, Harley has influenced that.

My daughter is now four months old, and I am no longer completely green.  I am still learning all the time, but I am happy with my infant care choices thus far and am grateful that my life with horses has given me some invaluable perspective.

My gentle beast, sweet husband (he is taking a photo, too), and baby.

23 comments:

  1. And it keeps getting better!
    Love that pic and love this post.

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    1. Thank you!

      We are slowly getting the hang of things... But baby is constantly changing, which makes it a challenge. ;)

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  2. 3-4 months I think is when you feel like your legs are back under you a bit. Sounds like you are doing great, and really its about reading advice, and taking the pieces you feel will fit into your life. My son started sleeping in his own crib at 3 months. He had developed a bat mommy and daddy's nose game, and didn't sleep well. First night on, he has slept most if not all the night through by himself, he likes his crib. I know so many that bedshare for a long time, and sometimes I think how nice to all be snuggled up together.

    Love that pic!

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    1. I, too, have gotten a little hand in my face more than once!

      Four months is proving to be a delight.

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  3. Ah, yes, sleep advice, lol! I breastfed and co-slept with my first, did a lot of baby wearing, etc - he is a bright, happy, well-adjusted child who, and I quote, his teachers call a "delight to work with" and "the brightest child we've had in the program for many years" (he's in a special needs pre-school for a speech impairment)

    When my 2nd came with her tag-along (my 3rd) - all those ideas went out the door because the bed wasn't big enough for 4 people, lol - can't baby wear 2 babies at once, I couldn't produce enough to breastfeed 2 babies for more than 3mos - we didn't entirely throw in the towel until 6mos. It was like re-learning all over again. However, they're bright, healthy, sweet little girls who are, for their age, well-adjusted little things! There is NO right/wrong answer, the right thing is what works for your family!

    And when/if you have another little one, everything will change again - just like how working with different horses means you use different techniques with each horse you meet - it's the same for children of your own, each one you have is a different creature and requires different handling, lol! :)

    The 1st year is the hardest, by far, but you will survive! My oldest is turning 5 in a month and a few days, and I can't believe how quickly he's grown up. I eagerly wait to see the kind of person he will grow up to be, and he tells me that "I'm going to be an awesome person, because you're doing a good job with me mommy!" Seriously, the most awesome kid ever!

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    1. That is exceptional feedback to receive from a child! It makes me happy to hear of your children's successful upbringing.
      I would have no idea how to survive twins, though. You must be a super Mommy.

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  4. Adorable photo! Parenting isn't easy but somehow we all make it through. I think as long as you do what's working for you and the baby there are no hard and fast rules. Wow, four months already! Time flies.

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    1. I finally feel like I have some breathing room. Zero to three months was so challenging.

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  5. That has got to be the sweetest picture ever. :)

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  6. Love this post! Sounds about like what I did with my kids. People called me "lazy", because I went with the flow and didn't schedule or "sleep train", but I did what worked for us. And I was a much more relaxed, happy mommy for it!

    For what it's worth, my kids were completely different in temperament and needs. What worked for one did not work for the other. There's a reason babies don't come with manuals, they are little individuals and every one is different. You know yourself and your baby better than any of the manual writers.

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    1. Thanks for the affirmation. People can be so rude. There is nothing lazy about going with the flow of a very demanding little boss. Every aspect of my life is influenced by what my baby needs and when.

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  7. Yay! This may sound silly, but I am so glad that you made the same parenting choices that I did. I really believe your little girl will be much better off because you listened to your gut...and were influenced by the way you care for your horse. I did exactly the same thing, and I am very happy with the way my now thirteen year old is becoming a secure, happy, emotionally aware young adult.

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    1. I am so glad, too!

      I was going in circles reading stuff and I couldn't find simple answers to questions like how on earth do I schedule a baby's needs? I held her constantly this summer, because I couldn't stand to hear her cry. At eight weeks she rejected her bassinet and then her crib. I was exausted and wondering how other Moms survive nighttime nursing. I discovered that she would sleep wonderfully right next to me and I never looked back. It makes sense that such a dependent little being wouldn't want to be far from her Momma. Finally, something clicked!

      Babies are not independent. I didn't realize until now how many practices ask them to be something they are not.

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  8. Wow, what a great post. I love the comparisons you drew between the two. Kids are years away for me, but I hope to someday make my choices based on the same rationale that you are.

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    1. Cool! I think it worked out well to have Harley first. And my husband and I were together for a long time before baby came along. Life has completely changed for all three of us.

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  9. And it is really scary, because the development of a little one is at stake. Oh, and every expert has a book. Take your pick.

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  10. Horses are such an integral part of our lives, aren't they? I am glad Harley was able to chime in. :0)

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  11. Excellent! I slept with my last two while nursing and beyond... and it made all the difference in the world - SLEEP! :) Sounds like you are very smart and are a natural.

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    1. Your support means a lot, Momma of six. Thanks so much!

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